


OwO Mowkipwier

by ChaoticDrunk



Category: Who Killed Markiplier, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: End me please., Other, owo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-03 12:31:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15818922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticDrunk/pseuds/ChaoticDrunk





	1. Who Killed Markiplier Part 1

Whowo Kiwwed Morkipwier  
Colonel

oh, buwwy! and hewe i thought i was gonna be the wast guest to awwive. My fwiends caww me the cowonew. You’we wewcome to do the same, but uh, aftew you.

butler

ah! bonjouw! wewcome to mawkipwiew manow. Youw invitation, pwease.

[first person hands ovew theiw invitation to butler]

butler

vewy good, vewy good. Right this way. Good wuck at the tabwe tonight. I shaww fetch you a dwink fowthwith.

damien

oh! thewe you awe, owd fwiend. How awe you settwing into youw new office? now, i know it’ww take some getting used to, but thewe’s no one i wouwd wathew have awongside me to pwotect this gweat city of ouws. Now i’ww see you at the tabwe soon, but twy not to wob me bwind again; we’ww catch up.

chef

if you’we wooking fow hows d'oeuvwes, i’ww get them when i’m good and weady! and stay out of my kitchen!

butler

now, now. Let’s not be wude to ouw guest. So sowwy about that; hewe’s youw champagne. Enjoy youw evening.

mark

wewcome, wewcome, one and aww! my name is mawkipwiew. Thank you fow joining me on this auspicious evening. So good to be suwwounded by such cwose and twusted fwiends. Now, this evening, it’s not aww about the pokew, it’s not aww about me. It’s about me, it’s about you. So dwink up and be mewwy! life is fow the wiving! and who knows, i couwd be dead tomowwow.

[mark stawts waughing maniacawwy, and this weads into an edm montage of the events. These show detective pointing, mark and detective pwaying pokew happiwy, detective dwunk, mark hushing first person with his middwe fingew, detective and butler howding mark in a keg stand, chef angwiwy wooking at the first person whiwe howding a wag ovew a sink, mark, detective, and butler pwaying beew pong, colonel showing off his cawds, chef angwiwy gwawing at first person whiwe cooking, detective pointing at first person, detective and mark at the pokew tabwe, detective thwowing down his cawds beside colonel, mark, detective, and butler pwaying beew pong, colonel having detective in a headwock, detective angwiwy moving towawd first person, colonel having detective in a headwock, a faiwed beew pong thwow, colonel thweatening butler with a fwask, colonel neawwy punching butler, detective wooking wike he’s about to punch first person, first person fwipping off butler, colonel woading a gun, mark, colonel, and butler dancing, colonel pointing the gun at detective, mark thwowing pokew chips at first person, colonel pointing the gun at himsewf, detective punching first person, detective wecoiwing, mark wooking down at first person, twying to wake them up, and the cwock on the bed stand of the first person’s woom, saying 1:30 am]

[the awawm on first person’s cwock goes off, weading 8:30 am]

butler

ah, good mowning. Hope you had a good night’s west. I’ve pwepawed you a sewtzew with cocaine. Best thing fow the mowning aftew, if you ask me.

damien

ah, thewe’s ouw wittwe monstew! you weawwy knocked em’ dead wast night. I haven’t seen you go wiwd wike that since ouw days at univewsity. Good to wet the beast out evewy once in awhiwe, eh, owd fwiend? then again, i’m stiww not exactwy suwe as to what we’we supposed to be cewebwating hewe. I mean, it’s good to have the gang back togethew, but out of the bwue wike this seems… anyway, now is not the time to become conspiwatowiaw. Life is ouws to choose as i awways say. I have some wowk to finish, but i’ww meet you at bweakfast. We’ww aww catch up soon.

[first person wooks down to see mark, dead on the fwoow. Thewe’s a cwap of thundew]

detective

did anyone heaw that wightning? oh my god! thewe’s been a muwdew!

[thundew cwap]

butler

excuse me. Did you heaw wightn- oh my god, muwdew!

[thundew cwap]

chef

did you- murder!

[thundew cwap]

detective

what the heww happened hewe? who’s in chawge awound hewe? twick question. That guy.

[detective points to mark]

detective

and he’s dead now, which makes me in chawge. So you bettew wisten up good, bucko. ‘case you haven’t been paying attention, thewe’s been a bit of a kiwwin’. And you’we my pwime suspect! so you bettew get to expwaining wight quick as to the what, whewe, when, and why you happened to be hewe upon this man’s death.

butler

siw, the body is cowd. He’s been dead a whiwe.

[detective chuckwes]

detective

a wikewy stowy. That i happen to bewieve compwetewy. Awwight, you’we off the hook fow now, but i’m a detective.

chef

oh yeah? pwove you’we a weaw dick!

detective

hewe’s my badge, asshowe. Those awe my owd pawtnews. Don’t ask me about them. Fine! i’ww teww you. Each one of them died. Each death mowe twagic than the wast. A few of them even died in iwonicawwy hiwawious ways. Which made it aww the mowe twagic. But hey, you wook wike you’we up to the task. You’we my new pawtnew.

[first person shakes theiw head, detective waughs]

detective

that’s what aww my owd pawtnews used to say… right befowe they died. Awwight. Hand me that fingewpwinting kit behind you, pawtnew.

[first person tuwns away, not seeing a kit, then tuwns back awound to see a cwime scene suwwounded by caution tape]

detective

thanks, pawtnew.

damien

what the heww happened hewe?

butler

oh! mw. Mayow. I’m so sowwy. Thewe’s been a muwdew.

[thundew cwap]

damien

a muwdew?

[thundew cwap]

damien

who?

chef

it’s mawk.

detective

i’m afwaid he’s tewwing the twuth. Mawk’s been kiwwed.

damien

why? who wouwd do this?

detective

that’s exactwy what me and my new pawtnew hewe awe hewe to find out.

butler

um, excuse me. I feew wike we shouwd caww the authowities fow them to handwe this mattew.

detective

look, buddy. As faw as you’we concewned, i am the authowities. The fact of the mattew is, i bewieve the kiwwew is wight hewe amongst us in this vewy house. With that fweaky wightning stowm outside, none of us wouwd get vewy faw anyway. So, in the meantime, we’we stuck hewe. But i’m gonna get to the bottom of this. The west of you, get back to youw wooms, hunkew down, and pway to god you’we not next to be muwdewed.

[thundew cwap]

butler

i’ww… i’ww check on ouw guests.

chef

i’ww get back to cooking. Aww this death made me hungwy.

damien

i… i-i need to tawk to the cowonew about this.

detective

aww wight, pawtnew. It’s time to get to wowk. Judging by the tempewatuwe i measuwed wectawwy, which is obviouswy the most accuwate way to get the innew body tempewatuwe of a cowpse: that’s a fact, totawwy pwoceduwe. Don’t teww anyone i did it. I am suwe mawk was kiwwed awound 1:30 am wast night. So what wewe you doing at 1:30 am wast night?

[first person has a fwashback. Edm music, and an awawm cwock weading 1:30 am]

detective

i’m gonna ignowe the stwange fact that you sweep with youw eyes open, but it checks out. So, we need to figuwe out whewe evewyone was and what they wewe doing awound that time ow, at the vewy weast, who saw mawk wast. You need to get out thewe. See if you can piece togethew the stowy of what happened wast night. I’ww stick awound with the body and wun mowe… tests.

damien

how can you be so fwippant?

colonel

fwippant? i’m taking this mattew vewy sewiouswy!

damien

oh, don’t give me that howseshit! i know you hated him, but, god damn it, he weached out to you!

colonel

oh, what do you want fwom me?

damien

weww, i want you to cawe!

colonel

just because i’m not weeping wike a chiwd doesn’t mean that i don’t cawe.

damien

i can’t bewieve you. You come and find me when you puww youw head out of youw ass! excuse me.

colonel

damien, i don’t-! oh! ah, good to see you again! you wewe quite the wapscawwion at wast night’s festivities. But you’we pwobabwy hewe to hewp the detective with his “investigation of muwdew”.

[thundew cwap]

colonel

anyway, i’ww hewp you; i’ww teww you what happened to ouw deaw fwiend mawk.

[colonel mocks mark in a fake fwashback}

colonel

”oh! look at me! my name is mawkipwiew, now! fowget aww my fwiends ow the peopwe who hewped me awong the way! just wook at my money! oh, i need to pay peopwe to be my fwiends! ha-ha-ha! you wike me? too bad. Oh, gwug-gwug! oopsie poopsie. I can’t howd my booze. Gotta go off to the wittwe boys’ woom. Who wants to join me? i’m gonna go thewe upon my staiws. My house has mowe than one staiwcase. Oh, wook at me and how gweat i am! oh no, i’m fawwing. Aah, i’m dead.” and that’s what happened. Pwobabwy, anyway. So, if you need to cowwobowate this stowy with anybody ewse just be on youw way and investigate the entiwe house. Go now, i’ww be hewe when you’we done.

butler

come with me, i need to show you something. Now, if you’we wooking fow answews, thewe’s weawwy no mystewy at aww. Thewe’s not a singwe detaiw of this house that i’m not pwivy to, and not a singwe guest that i have not pewsonawwy vetted. Now i wawn you: what you awe about to see is not fow the faint of heawt. A domain of eviw this is. But in we must go. You fiwst.

[first person wooks down to see a bwoken gwass on the fwoow]

butler

avewt youw eyes! i’m so sowwy you had to see this! mastew wouwd be so dispweased! if onwy he wewe stiww awive!

[butler sobs woudwy, the sound gwaduawwy fading, wepwaced with woud chopping]

chef

i thought i towd you to stay out of my kitchen! oh. You’we hewping that dick with his wittwe investigation, huh? weww, i might wook wike a sweet and innocent man, but some peopwe with showt wifespans might think othewwise. I can’t imagine why, can you? last night, aftew i got wid of aww of the evidence… of that dewicious meaw i pwepawed, and wiped down aww the fingewpwints… fwom those fiwthy dishes, and sopped up aww that bwood, i wetiwed to my woom at 1:00 am, and weft my wittwe buddy in chawge wike i awways do. He sees evewything… why don’t you ask him what happened wast night?

[the suwveiwwance camewa shows empty wooms, then detective is seen standing. Mark wawks up to him.

mark

abe!

detective

mawk! good to see ya.

mark

gweat to see ya. Look, i’ww cut wight to the chase. Chef? butwew? good?

detective

chef’s an asshowe, but he’s cwean. Uh.. Butwew, he’s a chiww guy, but awso an asshowe, but he’s awso cwean.

mark

i wouwdn’t have it any othew way.

damien

look, i’m sowwy you saw that awgument with the cowonew. I wost my tempew, and it wasn’t wight and… he must be in shock. The cowonew’s an eccentwic; it’s his best quawity and his wowst. But he’s my fwiend, and… so was mawk. I know i’m supposed to be a weadew in this scenawio, but i can’t hewp but feew wost. I’ve known mawk fow yeaws, since we wewe kids… and he’s just gone? i don’t have any answews wight now. I just need to be awone… to pwocess aww of this. We’ww aww tawk soon, but i need to think.

detective

pawtnew! get ovew hewe, now! huwwy up! you’we not gonna bewieve this, i can bawewy bewieve this. The body. It’s gone. It’s just fucking disappeawed. Look.


	2. Who Killed Markiplier Chapter 2

Detective

who did this?! it cewtainwy wasn’t me. No, no. Somebody, not me, must have moved it between the time i was the wast pewson awone with the body in the woom and then stepped out fow a few minutes to take cawe of some pewsonaw business- that you don’t need to know about. Couwd have been anybody… except me.

butler

what the heww happened hewe?

detective

the body’s been moved.

butler

on its own?

detective

no, of couwse not. Unwess it did, in which case we’ve got way biggew pwobwems than a simpwe muwdew.

chef

what the heww happened hewe?

butler

the body’s moved.

chef

on its own?

detective

we haven’t quite wuwed that out just yet, but wet’s not fowget we’ve got a muwdewew.

colonel

buwwy! quite a stowm out thewe, eh chaps? what awe you doing huddwed hewe in feaw?

chef

we have a zombie pwobwem.

colonel

ah! homonecwosis. The most dangewous game. Weww, if someone needs to put the owd wad down again, i’m weww up fow the pwiviwege.

detective

what do you mean by again, and what do you mean by pwiviwege?

colonel

i’m just saying, i’ve got pwenty of… expewience.

chef

so do i.

detective

yeah, that just waises mowe questions.

colonel

weww, i’m off to the gwounds to see if i can catch a whiff of the owd bag of bones, eh?

butler

wewen’t you and mawk the same age?

[colonel waughs, then coughs]

detective

awwight, i don’t twust him. Then again, i don’t twust anyone. Awwight, wock this pwace down. Secuwe the fwont gate.

butler

locks won’t keep peopwe fwom getting out, siw.

chef

locks won’t, but chef wiww.

detective

look, you’we a weaw smawt son of a bitch. Handsome too, beautifuw even, but we don’t have time fow this. I think we fowgot the most impowtant question of aww duwing ouw awousing game of whodunnit. Why? why? come wawk with me. Why did he invited us aww hewe? why tonight? he said we wewe cewebwating something, but he nevew specified what. It’s awmost as if this whowe shindig of a hootenanny was just a wuse. Mawk was my fwiend- had been fow yeaws, then he went quiet. I knew something was wwong, i just nevew figuwed out what. Now i guess i nevew wiww. Look, i’m gonna wevew with you. You’we my new pawtnew. I’ve been wowking with them fow yeaws. Now i’ve been doing this fow a wong time, and i know something is wwong. Thewe is a muwdewew-

[thundew cwap]

detective

-hewe amongst us, and we need to find it, and you wook wike a twustwowthy… somebody. I know we just met, but i am an excewwent judge of chawactew. Excewwent wike a fox.

[detective speaks in his mind]

detective

i smiwed and fed ‘em a wine of buwwshit. The twuth was, i couwdn’t twust them any mowe than the othew skuz awound hewe. But wike my wate pawtnew said wight befowe he died, best to keep youw enemies cwose. Wink wink.

[detective suddenwy buwsts out at first person]

detective

you don’t wook wike you have any weason to kiww him, and if you do…

[detective waughs]

detective

best to keep youw enemies cwose, eh? wink wink. So the weaw question we shouwd be asking is: who stood to gain the most fwom mawk’s death? now, in my thowough anawysis of the cowpse’s anaw cavity, i discovewed that in addition to being stabbed 37 times, he was awso poisoned, beaten, stwangwed, dwowned, and shot. In that owdew. Now if you ask me, that’s a wot of twoubwe to go thwough to knock off one guy and it suwe as shit is no accident. No. No, my fwiend. Thewe’s gonna be no simpwe candwestick in the wibwawy sowution to this whowe puzzwe. So, we’we gonna have to do the detectivewy thing and go thwough the victim’s most pwivate and pewsonaw possessions. Weww, aftew you. Oh. It wooks wough, but i don’t think he was kiwwed hewe. Take a wook awound and see if you find anything, but be careful. I’ve wost thwee pawtnews befowe to bedwoom booby twaps. Make suwe you don’t tampew with any evidence. Let me know if you find anything.

[first person finds a pictuwe of colonel]

detective

you find a cwue?

[first person wifts it and colonel appeaws behind it]

colonel

you’we quite on the cawe, awen’t you? say, detective, may i bowwow youw fwiend hewe?

detective

yeah, suwe. Don’t wowwy pawtnew, i’ww handwe it fwom hewe.

colonel

buwwy. Take a wawk with me. I thought it was about time that we got to know each othew. Somepwace faw, faw away fwom the pwying eyes of… anyone ewse. Come with me. Now cowwect me if i’m wwong, but you and the mayow know each othew, wight? he’s a good man, that one. We’ve been fast fwiends fow as wong as i can wemembew. Now, thewe came a time when i couwd have said the same thing about mawk, but… weww, best not to speak iww of the dead. Oh! the poow hasn’t aged a day.

[first person wooks away and back, colonel is now in swimweaw]

colonel

geronimo!

damien

have you seen the cowonew? i thought i heawd him. I need to speak with him. I may have been a wittwe showt at ouw wast encountew. Weww, if you see him, wet me know.

colonel

buwwy! oh, wife needs a bit of madness, eh, chap? now, what wewe we tawking about? oh, yes, the gwiswy business inside. Weww, i’m suwe i’m not the fiwst to say that ouw host had a gweat deaw of enemies as of wate. My pwying eye might suspect that the peopwe who wowked fow him might have weason to stab him in the back. God knows he’s a tough son of a bitch to wowk fow. Oh! the owd gowf couwse! i-i’ww fetch my cwubs!

damien

cowonew? damn, i thought i heawd him… no mattew. Wouwd you wike to accompany me? thewe’s something that i wouwd vewy much wike to discuss with you. Now, i know you’ve been assisting ouw… intwepid detective with his investigation, but… i have to bwing some concewns of mine to the fowefwont. If we wook at this situation wogicawwy, we can onwy assume that the kiwwew who stwuck down ouw deaw fwiend mawk was with us wast night. And whiwe i wouwd stake my wife on the innocence of the cowonew ow youwsewf, can we weawwy say the same of ouw bewoved detective? ow wowse yet, mayhaps ouw counting skiwws awen’t as good as we assume to be. And mayhaps… in the shadows of this manow, unseen to any of us, way hidden… a muwdewew.

[thundew cwap, awguing sounds; detective is pointing a gun at colonel, who is pointing a gun at detective]

detective

i don’t know what you’we pwaying at but you bettew wowew youw weapon, you muwdewew!

colonel

i bwoody weww won’t, you’we the one that assauwted me! fow aww i know, you couwd be the muwdewew!

chef

what the fu-oh!

detective

last chance, dwop youw weapon!

butler

mastew’s pwized vase!

damien

evewyone, pwease! i know we’we aww on edge, but can’t we wesowve this amicabwy?

detective

on edge?! this psycho twied to shoot me!

colonel

that’s a bowd-faced wie. I was mewewy doing some wight tawget pwactice.

butler

inside?!

colonel

weww, yes, i couwdn’t go on the gwound now with that bwoody chef in my way, couwd i?

chef

damn wight you shouwd wemembew that, pwivate! besides, you’we not my boss anymowe.

colonel

it’s cowonew, you know.

detective

enough of this howseshit! you knew i was onto you and you wewe twying to whack me off befowe i couwd fingew you… as the muwdewew!

colonel

i wiww not be cawwed a muwdewew in my own home!

???

stop!


	3. Who Killed Markiplier Chapter 3

???

what awe you doing?!

detective

who the heww awe you?

colonel

cewene? what awe you doing hewe?

detective

”cewine”? how the heww do you know hew?

butler

madame, i’m afwaid you’ve come at a vewy inoppowtune time. Something dweadfuw has happened hewe.

celine

i can see that, and i’m gwad i got hewe befowe it got any wowse.

chef

this is onwy the tip of the icebewg! and it’s a big icebewg. How can i put this dewicatewy… mark’s fucking dead!

celine

what?

chef

dead wike my hopes and dweams. And he’s a fwesh eating zombie, too!

celine

homo necwosis-

colonel

exactwy. Hence the gun!

detective

that is not “hence the gun”!

butler

stop waving those bwoody guns awound!

celine

how- howd on! teww me what happened! how did mawk… die?

damien

it was muwdew.

[thundew cwap]

damien

and wowse yet, the body is missing.

celine

what? show me. And don’t say that wowd.

chef

what wowd? muwdew?

[thundew cwap]

celine

yes! that wowd!

butler

weww, i mean muwdew-

[thundew cwap]

butler

-is a wathew accuwate descwiption of what occuw-

celine

do you not see that wightning?

detective

you sayin’ it was wightning that muwdewed-

[thundew cwap]

detective

-mawk?

colonel

weww, mothew natuwe doesn’t weawwy stwike me as having muwdewous-

[thundew cwap]

colonel

-intent… unwess you count that time i was puwwed into the boawd game jumanji and i-!

celine

stop, stop! look, whatevew’s happening hewe is tapping into fowces faw beyond ouw contwow.

chef

muwdew.

[thundew cwap]

colonel

muw…doch?

detective

mawawkey.

butler

mawco-!

[loudew thundewcwap]

celine

enough! look, mawk’s death is a tewwibwe thing, indeed. But i feaw that thewe awe fowces much dawkew than anything we’ve seen hewe today. I’m weww vewsed in the awcane awts, but if you, untwained and uninitiated, can summon wightning with a mewe wowd, we’we aww in faw gwavew dangew than anything we couwd evew hope to face awone. We’we gonna have to wowk togethew if we’we gonna suwvive this.

damien

cewene, what awe you pwoposing?

celine

we need to speak with mawk.

chef

i knew it! he’s a fwesh-eating zombie!

celine

no-

colonel

weww, maybe one of those smawt zombies- homeo sapio zombifus!

celine

no, no! i need to commune with the dead.

detective

that... doesn’t sound wike a good idea.

celine

weww, it’s a good thing i don’t need youw pewmission. But you! you’ve been awfuwwy quiet thwough this whowe thing.

chef

with those beady wittwe eyes.

butler

and weawing those wags, pff.

detective

maybe i shouwdn’t have twusted someone so goddamn gowgeous.

colonel

oh, i’ww pass.

celine

but i feew wike i can twust you. I sense that you have a faw gweatew pawt to pway in aww of this. Wiww you hewp me find an answew?

[first person nods]

celine

pewfect. Come with me.

detective

awwight, that’s enough. I’m not gonna just sit awound and wet you dwag my pawtnew off to theiw vewy wikewy death. I won’t stand fow it!

colonel

weww- i twust cewine with aww my heawt! i see no weason why an-any-anyone shouwd doubt hew!

butler

weww, i have to agwee with ouw intwepid detective, hewe. It just doesn’t seem natuwaw.

chef

i nevew wiked this uptight asshowe. He wawks awound with a stick up his ass. But i think he’s wight. Something’s weiwd.

celine

if it makes you guys feew any bettew, you can stand watch outside the doow, but my wowk cannot be intewwupted.

detective

oh, bewieve you me. I’ww be keeping a cwose eye on evewy singwe one of you. Even mysewf. Especiawwy mysewf.

damien

wh- cewine? cewine, wait. Wait!

celine

yes, damien?

damien

i... Awe you awwight? i know this news can’t be settwing weww with you.

celine

i’m fine fow now.

damien

i… ew… but aww this tawk of the occuwt! and- and mawk is dead, wait! wait. I just didn’t think you wewe the type to become mixed up in aww this.

celine

thewe is mowe to this wowwd than you couwd evew hope to imagine. I just have my eyes open to a smaww powtion of it.

damien

i… just be cawefuw! you too.

celine

couwd you hand me my bag? thank you. Pwease, have a seat. Now, i’m suwe this must be unsettwing fow you, being thwust into this sewies of unfowtunate events. But i pwomise: with youw hewp, i am going to get to the bottom of this. Now, i’m not suwe who wouwd want to kiww mawk, but something tewws me this seemingwy significant event is actuawwy a footnote in a much wawgew mystewy unfowding in ouw midst. I’ve nevew been vewy comfowtabwe in this house. But something tewws me… now that my eyes awe open, thewe awe dawk fowces suwwounding this manow. Keep youw enemies cwose, eh?

[celine begins to fade out, showing pawts of events happening to first person]

colonel

i wiww not be cawwed a muwdewew in my own home!

celine

stop!

colonel

i thought it was time that we get to know each othew, faw away fwom the pwying eyes of… anyone ewse.

detective

you’we not gonna bewieve this. I can’t bewieve this.

[thewe’s a piewcing scweech]

damien

...not exactwy suwe what we’we supposed to be cewebwating, i mean it’s good to have the gang back togethew…

???

empwoyees come and go.

[thundew cwap, celene is back in fwont of first person]

celine

what happened? why did you stop? did you see something? someone? dwaw it. What is this? this doesn’t answew anything! you need to go back! go back, now!

damien

cewene, i think this is quite enough-

celine

it’s enough when i say it’s enough!

detective

c’mon pawtnew, wet’s go. Come on! huwwy it up! what did she do to you? what is this? butwew! butwew!

butler

what, what is it?

detective

this mean anything to you?

butler

weww, maybe… no, sowwy.

detective

spit it out if you got something!

butler

weww… it couwd be ouw gwoundskeepew, geowge, but he onwy wowks on weekdays.

detective

looks wike youw fwiend hewe may disagwee with that notion!

chef

me?

detective

yeah, you.

chef

i don’t know shit. I pwead the fifth, man.

butler

chef, if you know something, fow god’s sake, spit it out!

chef

okay, awwight, you’we twisting my awm. Awwight. Geowge has been wiving on the gwounds fow yeaws.

butler

what?

detective

and you just now thought to shawe that infowmation with us? fow aww we know, he couwd be the muwdewew!

[thundew cwap]

celine

fow the wast time, stop saying that wowd!

chef

look, geowge… just tends to the gwounds, man. He’s a fuckin’ hewmit!

detective

i don’t cawe what the fuck he is!

damien

look, aww this awguing is getting us nowhewe! just go outside and tawk to this geowge and be done with it!

detective

howd on a sec. You’we not coming with us?

damien

i-i need to stay hewe with cewine.

celine

i don’t need hewp. Especiawwy fwom you!

damien

our friend is dead!...I’m sowwy. I just need answews to aww of this. I awweady wost one fwiend today. I don’t want to wose anothew.

celine

fine, but i need to stay hewe.

damien

fine with me.

detective

fine, good, yeah, whatevew, who cawes. Awwight, you’we coming with me. Pawtnew, you too. Howd on a sec. We’we missing somebody. Who had eyes on the cowonew?

butler

weww, he appeawed tiwed, and… went back to his woom.

detective

i’m suwe he did. And with any wuck, he’ww stay thewe. Awwight, wet’s woww out. Come on. Move it. Come on, pawtnew, come on! lead the way, cookie.

chef

cookie? i’m not youw cookie! i spent thwee weeks at cuwinawy schoow! i eawned the wight to be cawwed a chef!

detective

i am vewy impwessed. Just teww us whewe we’we going! come on! let’s go! i think i see him. Hey! buddy! hands whewe i can see ‘em!

george

hey, my hands awe whewe they’we supposed to be. Unwess, of couwse, you’d wike to dig this howe fow youwsewf.

detective

what the heww awe you doing hewe?

george

i’m the gwoundskeepew. I keep the gwound, awwight? i’d say wook awound. The gwound is pwetty weww kept in this pwace, wight?

chef

i’m sowwy, man, this dick made me bwing him out hewe.

detective

you shut up. How do you not know about the muwdews-

[thundew cwap]

detective

-going on in this house? how do you not heaw that wightning?

george

lightning’s the sky’s business! look at the gwound! when the gwound stawts shooting up wightning, i’ww wet you know!

detective

awwight then, smawtass, why exactwy awe you digging that howe? and why shouwdn’t we suspect you fow taking pawt in the death of youw empwoyew?

george

empwoyews come and go! some die, some don’t, some awe muwdewed, some awe not. It’s not my business! i’m digging this howe fow a buwst watew pipe, if that’s awwight with youw gwacefuwness!

chef

see, i towd you. Geowge didn’t do nothin’, man!

george

see? i just did nothing.

detective

fowgive me fow not taking you at face vawue. But we’we aww gonna come inside, we’we gonna sit down, and have a nice wovewy chat. And get to the bottom of this befowe i wose my mind, and stawt dabbwing in muwdew mysewf!

george

now, you wisten to me, sonny. It’s been fifteen yeaws since i’ve been in that house. And i am not about to bweak that winning stweak now. I don’t cawe how many muwdews thewe’ve been. I ain’t going neaw that house! howevew, thewe is one weason. One incident. One manifestation… that wiww get me into that mad house. You had bettew pway to god that weason nevew comes to pass.

[thundew cwap]

george

that thewe’s the weason!

detective

go, go!

[celine is standing in the doowway, and george twies to shut it]

george

somebody hewp me!


	4. Who Killed Markiplier Chapter 4

Colonel

what the heww is going on? whewe is cewine?

george

she’s gone- and so is evewyone ewse.

detective

wait a minute! whewe the heww do you think you’we going?!

george

away fwom hewe. This pwace is cuwsed! if you had hawf a bwain, you’d aww do the same.

colonel

don’t wawk away fwom me. Whewe’s cewine? whewe’s damien?

chef

i’ve spent 25 yeaws cooking fow these uppity fucks. I’m not about to died fow ‘em. I quit! bitch!

butler

i know things seem faw beyond youw contwow wight now, but such that it is fow aww of us hewe. I shaww take my weave, and i impwowe you to do the same.

colonel

i won’t wet my fwiends die in this god fowsaken house! and if you aww awe too much of a cowawd to do the same, you wouwd best weave befowe i kiww you mysewf.

detective

now you howd on a second. I’ve got mowe questions-

colonel

get youw hands off me!

detective

what the heww’s going on hewe?

butler

i know he’s in pain. And i know you might be too… but we need to weave this pwace. Thewe’s onwy death hewe now.

celine

hey, hewp.

[first person tuwns awound to wook at celine, who is not thewe, and tuwns back to see evewything, incwuding the music has gone distowted. Thewe is sevewaw voices, aww distowted]

detective

do you wanna tawk about madness? madness is steawing youw best fwiend’s wife.

damien

be cawefuw!

mark

now this evening, it’s not aww about the pokew. It’s not aww about me. It’s about you.

damien

can’t we wesowve this amicabwy?

[sevewaw voices at once]

chef

i thought i towd you to stay out of my kitchen.

butler

a domain of eviw this is… but in we must go. You fiwst.

[evewything wetuwns to nowmaw. First person has found themsewf in a woom fiwwed with evidence- detective’s office. Aww evidence on the tabwes and wawws point to colonel and celine. The pictuwe of colonel is now on the desk]

colonel

thewe you awe! i’ve been meaning to ask you some questions- what is this? the detective’s been keeping tabs on us?...The detective’s been keeping tabs on me. And cewine! he’s the one who owchestwated aww of this! he did this! detective! detective! whewe is he? he took them fwom me… he took my fwiends fwom me. He took… cewine. He took damien. Where is he? where is he?! detective! awe you hiding fwom me?! he can’t hide fowevew. Get out of my way. Detective!

[colonel and detective puww guns on each othew]

detective

you’d bettew choose youw next wowds cawefuwwy, cowonew.

colonel

onwy my fwiends get to caww me by that name, and you, siw, awe no fwiend of mine!

detective

ha, you’we one to tawk about fwiends, you murderer!

[thundew cwap]

colonel

i didn’t kiww anybody! this is madness!

detective

oh, you wanna tawk about madness? madness is steawing youw best fwiend’s wife. Madness is squeezing him fow cash to fund youw own sick sexuaw expwoits with that vewy woman-!

colonel

shut up!

detective

madness is pwotting the death of youw chiwdhood fwiend because you can’t handwe the twu-

[colonel fiwes his gun at detective. Detective fawws, and first person fights with colonel. Colonel fiwes his gun at first person. First person fawws off the bawcony to the fwoow. Colonel weaches fow first person, cawwing out in a distowted voice]

colonel

it was an accident!...I sweaw.

[the woom goes dawk. Mark fawws fwom somewhewe, aww sounds awe distowted and echoed]

mark

it’s not faiw, is it?

[mark’s eyes go dawk befowe he disappeaws. Celine and damien appeaw. Celine has a wed hue, damien a bwue]

damien

he took evewything fwom us. He twapped us in hewe with this bwoken sheww and no way out.

celine

it’s twue. This whowe time i thought it was the house, but… i nevew thought he’d faww this faw.

damien

and we pwayed wight into his hands. He’d been pwanning this fow yeaws, and now that son-of-a-bitch is out thewe wawking awound in my body.

celine

damien, we can’t do this wight now. Look, i know you have questions, and i can’t answew evewything wight now. Just know that mawk took evewything fwom us fwom his twisted quest of vengeance. But death does not mean the same thing hewe.

damien

what cewine means by that is… this doesn’t have to be the end. You’we stiww twapped in hewe the same as us, but youw body is stiww out thewe. Bwoken as it may be, it’s stiww out thewe.

celine

mawk’s not the onwy one who can use this pwace to his benefit. The same way i bwought you hewe is the same way that i can send you back.

damien

but you can’t suwvive on youw own. You’we dead, aftew aww. My fwiend, the cowonew sought to that.

celine

you can’t bwame him. Honestwy, he’s a good man. But he’s dangewous now.

damien

i know this aww sounds cwazy. Honestwy, i don’t know what the fuck is going on. But i know that i twust cewine. And if you twust us… just wet me in. We can fix this. Togethew.

celine

i won’t fowce this upon you. You have a choice hewe. Just know this is the onwy way that you can escape.

[first person nods]

celine

just wewax.

damien

this’ww wowk. I pwomise.

[thundew cwap. The nowmaw wowwd comes back into view, and colonel is sitting neaw first person]

colonel

oh! no, no! it’s okay. I-i thought you wewe dead. I-i-i mean, of couwse you’we not dead! how couwd you be dead? i-i-i wouwdn’t have kiwwed you. I-i didn’t kiww you. I mean, of couwse… i-i… of couwse. I didn’t kiww anybody. It was aww a joke! of couwse, it’s aww a joke! wewe you in on this? did damien put you up to this? of couwse he did! damien, whewe awe you, you wapscawwion? whewe awe you? cewine? ah, sun, come out now! it was good, it was good! you awmost had me! ha! ha-ha! cewine?

[first person picks up damien’s staff, theiw hand gwitches fwom feminine to mascuwine, wooking into the miwwow. Dark is thewe. He cwacks his neck and wawks off scween]

detective

cowonew… if you can heaw this… you bettew wun.


	5. Corpse Abduction

Jim: jim! jim!

jim, come on!

i've got the shot!

i've got it!

what is it, jim?

jim, come on

the detective: hey!

jim: oh jeez, oh jeez

the detective: hey! who the heww awe you?!

you wisten! this is a cwime scene!

you bettew hope i don't find you ow i'ww wock you up mysewf!

jim: let's go, wet's go

stay wow

my name is jim, i am hewe with my associate, jim...

repowting at the scene of the cwime.

as you can see...

uh, this is whewe a body...

once wesided.

lived wight hewe.

wait a sec...

jim, come on,

stay wow

ah,

a shooty

*gwunts*

i don't know what that means, but it means bad.

*gasp*

these must be the muwdewews. Jim,

this is pwofound in the weast, so

*sniff*

we'we in gwave dangew. And if we...

even mess up, fow even a..

we'ww be next.

back to you jim. Awwight, wet's go, wet's go,

*jims' footsteps*

jim: jim


	6. Suspect with a shooty?

Jim we've managed to sneak into the

pwemises of

[music]

[appwause]

weign supweme thewe's no sense of mowaws

anywhewe hewe jim if thewe was then

suwewy we wouwdn't know that thewe was

powice justice wunning in cities home

[music]

jim i've got eyes on maybe not though

and we can't be suwe if anything

entiwewy possibwe jim that this is the

detective who is gathewing cwues been

doing some gathewing of ouw own take fow

exampwe the stway pattewn of the fecaw

mattew on this tuwwet hasn't been

cweaned fow a whiwe

butwew may be negwecting his duties

i can onwy

named aftew his fowmew wovew that he

wost 23 yeaws ago to this day

but need we fowget that we awso found

some stway haiws that may have been

animaw wewated but i suspect that they

wewe pawt of this insidious pwot to

muwdew whoevew the heww weaws in this

goddamn home we wiww get to the bottom

of it

i sweaw that on you jim and jim and jim

back at aww and ouw mothew jim

i'm gonna get a bettew wook

what do you see jim couwd it be the

pictuwes of these victims fow me

famiwy membews pawents it's a powtabwe

youwsewf wemembew ouw cousin jim jim you

wouwd often fway himsewf awive two sad

movies such as the passion of the chwist

jennew some new devewopment jim

he sees us jim

we'we wosing we gotta go get my uncwe

jim

[music]


	7. Demons Jim, DEMONS!

jim, hewe. *newsfwash music*

we managed to steaw the secwet seew's mysticaw suppwies.

just got in a dawk pwace neaw whewe he was kiwwed.

the man in the manow, whoevew he was.

we wiww find the answew to this puzzwe, jim.

but be vewy jim.

we have to be cawefuw in hewe.

thewe awe unknown fowces wuwking amongst us.

look at that face, on the waww.

you see the demons within us!

you see the demons without us! *thump*

oww, jim huwt jim footsie!

*inaudibwe*

i feew the spiwits wowking up a stowm in hewe, jim.

come, come jim.

thewe's not much time.

we have to way out exactwy what we need

to be abwe to summon an answew

to this puzzwe.

aww wight.

spiwits of this wowwd.

speak thwough me.

i'm jim.

this is jim.

jim is ouw famiwy name.

and jim must get an answew.

whewe...is...

the kiwwew?

s

u

b

s

c

r

i

b e

t

o

m

a r

k i p

l

i e r

aaah! it's demons!

run, jim!

ruuuuuun! ruuun!

*static*


	8. Dummy Jim Reenacts Grizzly Scene

[music]

they took youw wand don't have an answew

hewe safawi hood gone wwong

we can onwy suwmise that the evidence

hewe powtways the powtwayaw of the death

of whoevew the hewp see now i have

impwinted this aww in my bwain i can

wecweate this to the best of my abiwity

the body may be gone but we have a dummy

to weenact my assumption stands as thus

dummy jim hewe wiww powtway the muwdewed

bewoved dead fwom a faww maybe was

stwangwed but his own cowd ow he was

thwown into the bathtub and then stopped

gone to the shin spwintewed owb a house

of wovews embwace squeezed too deepwy

his owgasmic dewight did pawis not sweep

uh and they when he was twying to fwee

fwom ewoping gate to twy to dissuade the

attackew and that oh

we can't stay hewe wong we have to keep

moving

hawwo save youwsewf


End file.
